Story — The Three Divas
by Tom Furman
This is a while ago, but not too long ago. The Armenian Princess with the Bulbous Ass did an art show with the Modern Master of Art, Barry Gross. It was called, “Psychartistry”. Deeply conceptual art and amazing images were presented. Of course everyone on earth was invited. The Armenian Princess invited two of her good friends who are quite colorful, Lacey Wildd and Sheri Shea. Basically a Reality Star and a Model. This terrific trio would juice up the party more than a bag of Ecstasy.
The gallery was set and the day came. Lacey called and said she had a bad night. The Princess asked what the problem was. Well, a hangover of Frank Sinatra proportions. She yelled to me, your humble reporter, “What should Lacey do??” I said to, “Drink gallons of water and eat a good breakfast.” Lacey was very trusting. She did exactly that. An hour later she called to say that she threw up for 30 minutes after following my directions and felt fantastic. She mentioned that Sheri the Model was staying with her, but it was too crowded to get ready properly. Could they come to the home of the Bulbous Ass and get ready? The Princess confirmed immediately. I did some quick math in my head. Three Divas, one Polack and Two Bathrooms is not a sitcom. It’s real life. I shifted from nodding yes to Princess’ outfits and watching, “Taken” for the 51st time, to head to the boys room. I quickly did the “S’s”. Sh*t, Shower and Shave. Then I used a toxic spill portion of Formula 409 to wipe down my bathroom.
The Armenian Princess had her see-through dress laid out and was attempting to apply eye lashes. There was a knock at the door. Outside a Chrysler 300 had pulled up. The neighbors stared, the children were gathered and the Pekingese next door gave birth. Lacey and Sheri had arrived. They didn’t have a bag of clothes and make up,….they had luggage. They burst through the door like an NFL team on Performance Enhancing Drugs.
Suddenly the Bulbous Assed Wench came screaming into the living room in pasties and a Greek thong. “My eyes!!!!!!! These lashes are glued to my eyes!!” Like a Tier One Spec Ops Team, Lacey and Sheri dove into action. The Armenian had one eye looking like a Palmetto Bug and the other as if an Avocado skin was covering it. Some cell phone flashlights and a box of Q Tips with a Reality Star and Model fixed everything. Sheri shouted, “It’s getting late, I need a shower.” So in the blink of an eye, her clothes hit the floor and she dashed to the Ladies room shower. (I just caught the view of an ankle for inquiring minds.)
I led Lacey to the Boy’s Room. I said, “I cleaned it up to get rid of the “boy” smell, it should be fine.” Lacey replied, “Tom, you know I have six kids, including boys. It’s cool. The only smell I hate is Bum Pee.” I laughed, “Don’t worry, the Yacht Carpenter slash Garage Band Vocalist hasn’t been around ever since his girlfriend has been sliding into my DM’s with that lovey dovey stuff.”
I decided it was time to leave early. The estrogen levels were overwhelming me. With Lacey tucked neatly into the Boys Room, I changed from a T Shirt and Jeans into another T Shirt and Jeans. Then I grabbed my wallet, phone, keys and “bladed up”. Things could get serious. These girls were once trapped on an island in the Everglades with some Boy Scouts witnessing the skinning of alligators, but that is another story.
So I, as the saying goes, “I watered down the drinks, collected the cash and got the Hell out of Dodge.” I jumped into my loyal PT Cruiser. Mechanically it sucked, but I loved that car. I drove to the North Beach area and helped the Modern Master prep for the night.
The girls put the finishing touches on their looks for the evening and loaded into Lacey’s Chrysler 300. She sped off breaking several, Local, State and Federal laws involving vehicular operation. The Princess, The Reality Star and the Model meeted, greeted and mingled all night. They are the best of women. The night was a smashing success, including a painting sold and no one apprehended by the Albanian Mob.
~The End~
Tom Furman has been involved in martial arts and conditioning since 1972. With an early background in wrestling and a student of the methods of the York Barbell Club, Tom immediately separated fact from fiction growing up outside Pittsburgh. Eleven members of his family were combat veterans, the most famous one being “Uncle Charlie” (Charles Bronson) His down to earth training methods are derived from his decades-long practice of martial arts and his study of exercise science. The application of force, improvement of movement and durability rank high on his list of priorities when training. He gives credit to hundreds of hours of seminars, training sessions, and ‘backyard’ workouts, including training time with many martial arts legends. He also credits his incredibly gifted training partners who came from varied backgrounds such as Exercise Physiologists, Airborne Rangers, Bounty Hunters, Boxing Trainers and Coast Guard Rescue Divers. In addition, Tom spent 30 years in the theater and film business. His best selling ebooks, are available HERE
