Vision/Fatal
by Tom Furman
“When I was young my Father told me that a man has two things to his name. His word and his balls. If you do it right, you hold on to both.” ~ Boyer Coe
We control our outcomes.
US Navy SEAL, Jocko Willink calls it, “Extreme Ownership”. If we don’t control them, then someone else does and we have little choice. However, where there is choice, there is chance. Viewing our way or path requires vision. Stepping back allows greater vision. It allows you more data to decide. Remember decide means to cut.
There are those who do not step back and use a broad vision. Their vision is final or perhaps, fatal. They create long standing actions, behaviors and social skills that can turn dark. But then again living can be a dark business. This article will highlight some, but not all of them.
The agreement of being punctual tends to be trivialized.
In some businesses, however, it’s the difference between working and getting fired. It’s always the same people. There are individuals who can go decades and never be late, yet there are others who claim it is in their gene pool. Claiming, “I’m always about 15 minutes late!” is basically saying that a person cannot live up to an agreement or keep their word. They are mocking everyone else. They get a set of rules that no one else has. They are special. However consider this.
A person who is chronically late is superficially motivated by the misplaced notion that s/he, his/her needs and his/her interests are somehow more important than the people to whom s/he is responsible. What actually underlies this sentiment is a subtle and much more pernicious sense of just the opposite.
The chronically tardy, in large measure, have a perception that others do not feel them to be important, so they operate in a way so as to impose themselves on a situation — exerting control to feel in control — while in reality they are silently validating their own sense of unworthiness, whether consciously or unconsciously. ~ Tardiness, Self-worth and Being Present
While it seems such individuals vastly overestimate their skill set, they are quite aware of what they are doing. If, by sheer accident, they are five minutes early to a meeting, they will either circle the block or buy Starbucks and bound into the meeting apologizing for being late.
“Sorry I’m late, traffic.” ~ Wesley Snipes
“Don’t apologize, be on time.” ~ Sean Connery — Rising Sun
Humans use rationalization with themselves almost automatically. They use it with others, frequently.
When someone uses rationalization, they aren’t necessarily lying. It’s better (and more accurate) to look at rationalization as a form of denial or repression. It’s frequently an unconscious action, and many people wind up believing the justifications that they’ve constructed. ~ Rationalization as a Defense Mechanism
In my career as a Theatrical Technician, any time a crew member was being lined up for a task, there was a suffix applied to his name or description. “John Smith was caught drunk driving and for spouse abuse, but he’s a helluva carpenter!!” This is extremely common. It’s like you know the criminal, but he’s YOUR criminal and he’s OK. Maybe misunderstood. This phenomena is often used to balance anyone with proficiency and demons. I’m not speaking of people who have taken a misstep and overcome their issues. I’m speaking of people who bathe in the capacity to screw up and yet be acceptable or preferable. This level of rationalization is taken to high levels in the male/female dynamic.
Long before Rebel Without a Cause, the attractiveness of the Dark Triad was hard wired in females. Such attraction comes with the rationalization of bad behavior of the male. “He’s misunderstood” or needs fixed or needs a hug are common throw away lines in this relationship. Here is some background on the subject.
It has been suggested that the Dark Triad (DT) personality constellation is an evolved facilitator of men’s short-term mating strategies. However, previous studies have relied on self-report data to consider the sexual success of DT men. To explore the attractiveness of the DT personality to the other sex, 128 women rated created (male) characters designed to capture high DT facets of personality or a control personality. Physicality was held constant. Women rated the high DT character as significantly more attractive. ~ The Dark Triad personality: Attractiveness to women
To simplify the Dark Triad into basic terms, it’s the constellation of three qualities. They are -
Machiavellian-ism - Sly, deceptive, distrusting, and manipulative. They are characterized by cynical and misanthropic beliefs, callousness, a striving for … money, power, and status, and the use of cunning influence tactics.
Psychopathy - A neuropsychiatric disorder marked by deficient emotional responses, lack of empathy, and poor behavioral controls, commonly resulting in persistent antisocial deviance and criminal behavior.
Narcissism — As characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy.
Most workshops, videos, books and lessons from Male Dating Coaches or Pick Up artists focus on teaching a toned down version of the above behavior. They constantly warn against BAD behavior, wink, wink, but want you to push the needle in that direction. Their success would be determined by their wallet and YouTube subscribers. There seems to be no shortages of this same playbook. In fact, in the book about men dating women, Atomic Attraction, just read the advertising copy.
“In Atomic Attraction Christopher Canwell takes us on a journey through the dark waters of attraction. Your strength as a man lies in your ability to remain indifferent to a woman’s behavior, whether she’s chasing you or not. Based on over 120 scientific studies.”
Imagine that. 120 peer reviewed citations to qualify a book that teaches you to break the rules and be dark. Don’t worry about your reputation guys, the ladies will rationalize for you.
Pessimism, to use a common analogy, is seeing the glass as half empty.
Failure to view the positives or quickly dismissing them because negative exists as well is pessimistic or shall we say, overly critical. The well known video of US Navy SEAL, Jocko Willink called, “Good”, motivates us to have laser like focus on what is GOOD in any situation. Perhaps overly simple, but incredibly elegant, Jocko makes his point well.
Pessimism has advantages. By viewing problems around every corner, the pessimist is actually better prepared for adversity. As the song says, “If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.”
For example, one 2013 study published in the Journal of Research in Personality found that negative thinkers are more likely to build safety nets. They’re also more prepared practically and emotionally when things go wrong and don’t find their worldviews in crisis when bad things do happen. ~ https://www.verywellmind.com/is-it-safer-to-be-a-pessimist-3144874
The downside of pessimism is there is a heightened chance of anxiety, health issues and weaker coping skills. Practically, you become a real buzz kill or Debbie Downer.
The cure or adjustment according to therapists is not to become overly optimistic, but rather reduce the pessimism. This keeps the balance. There is an old story that Ben Franklin would make a list of the positives and negatives. This would guide him through decisions. By simply writing it down instead of whining, you remove the potency of emotion and focus more on logic.
Being the “Devil’s Advocate, or the person who sees both sides of an argument is a double edged sword.
Seeing both sides of the argument is a powerful tool for decision making. Companies, corporations, associations and even families can use this tool to challenge ideas and outcomes. However this methodology can be weaponized in working, family or romantic relationships.
“A lot of times people are advocating a side that they don’t actually believe,” says sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT. Basically, it’s trolling.
Often, the pushback has no point other than to disrupt, destabilize, dissent, or create a rise from the person who stated the initial argument, she says.
“It’s without a doubt manipulative, abusive, and ill-intentioned.” ~ “Devil’s Advocate” or Basic Troll? How to Know If Your Friend Is Being a Foe
By weaponizing the Devil’s Advocate scenario it becomes a method to gaslight.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that hinges on creating self-doubt. “I think of gaslighting as trying to associate someone with the label ‘crazy,’” says Paige Sweet, Ph.D., an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Michigan who studies gaslighting in relationships and in the workplace. “It’s making someone seem or feel unstable, irrational and not credible, making them feel like what they’re seeing or experiencing isn’t real, that they’re making it up, that no one else will believe them.” ~ What Is Gaslighting?
Lack of communication is the breeding ground for conflict in a relationship.
We live in an era of Texting, DM’s and Whatsapp. It is efficient, but it removes most of the communication, which is non verbal, from the interaction. This can create problems even when the communication is prompt. When the reply is late or not at all, the problems get bigger.
Not responding to emails, messages and texts can have several meanings. Here are a few.
- They are ignoring you. This, aside from being a telemarketer, is essentially to let you know that you have no value.
- Power. In the past you may have skipped or missed communication with them and now they are evening the score.
- Too Busy. This is of course, a myth. Consider this paragraph on being busy -
Listen up. You are not busy. You choose chaos. It is quite powerful to say how busy you are. You are not the Joint Chiefs of Staff deploying SEAL Team 6 to kill Somali Pirates holding hostages. They are busy. You are not. When someone calls for a heart to heart talk,.. or Texts or DM’s you.. there might be a good reason. It might make you a million, it might save someone’s life or you might meet the person of your dreams. Don’t trivialize human contact. No one gets out of here alive. Think about it. You are not busy. ~ TF
Years ago I wrote an article on a profound lesson learned by a leading entertainer about NOT returning correspondence. It’s short and you HAVE to read it. The Doc Severinsen Principle
Decisions can be like car accidents, sudden and full of consequences. ~ Allison Glock
Only recently have gun deaths overtaken car accidents in total deaths. We often look at firearms as evil and vehicles as necessary. This perhaps is too simple. A firearm can not only take a life, but save one. It can also provide food from hunting. Cars are more necessary. From driving to work and doing errands along with taking trips and socializing. We don’t look at cars as truly evil. However they can be. We could generalize with speeding and dangerous driving practices, but let us focus on two areas of choice.
The most profound and dangerous choice is driving drunk or even driving while drinking. There is one death every forty five minutes from alcohol related accidents in the USA. In 2020 there were 11,654 deaths when the drivers were impaired by alcohol. One has to ask, “Why do people drive drunk?
One reason may be because they are confident, or perhaps more confident with alcohol -
Alcohol gives some people a confidence boost that may make them feel invincible when they choose to drive drunk, especially if they have done so before without getting caught. Of course, any police officer will tell you that getting behind the wheel after even one beer or glass of wine is playing with fire. ~ Why Do People Drive Drunk?
Worse yet is actually driving a vehicle while drinking an alcoholic beverage. This may be people with the their custom flasks, a roofer with a can of beer meticulously hidden in a small paper bag or a housewife in with a bottle of wine dumped in her Yeti Water Bottle running late to pick up her kids. They are using a level of intelligence, in their own minds that rivals the most high tech stealth fighter used by the Air Force. Think about it. Hit the traffic light, take a sip and kill over 11,000 people.
Adjacent to driving impaired is tailgating. You are essentially using the car to gain leverage in an interaction. By tailgating you are bullying the car in front of you to move or speed up. A similar action to waving a gun to win an argument.
While no one knows exactly how many car accidents are caused by tailgating, according to a study by the The Texas Department of Insurance, 51 percent of drivers admit to tailgating on purpose, and more than 23 percent of all traffic accidents were rear-end collisions. ~ https://www.daxgarzalaw.com/
There are approximately ten factors in stopping distance . However if you claim you are a good driver and somewhat immune to the lethal practice of tailgating, I’m betting you fail a few. On top of this, physics always wins.
So we covered some scenarios. Some final, some fatal. Perhaps it’s time to hold up the mirror or have someone hold it up for you. Better said by Gustave Flaubert perhaps, “There is no truth, only perception.”
I think it was better said by Thaddeus, “Thunderbolt” Ross of Marvel Comics.
Five years ago, I had a heart attack. I dropped right in the middle of my back swing. Turned out it was the best round of my life because after thirteen hours of surgery and a triple bypass, I have found something forty years in the army had never taught me… perspective.
The End.
Tom Furman has been involved in martial arts and conditioning since 1972. With an early background in wrestling and a student of the methods of the York Barbell Club, Tom immediately separated fact from fiction growing up outside Pittsburgh. Eleven members of his family were combat veterans, the most famous one being “Uncle Charlie” (Charles Bronson) His down to earth training methods are derived from his decades long practice of martial arts and his study of exercise science. The application of force, improvement of movement and durability rank high on his list of priorities when training. He gives credit to hundreds of hours of seminars, training sessions, and ‘backyard’ workouts, including training time with many martial arts legends. He also credits his incredibly gifted training partners who came from varied backgrounds such as Exercise Physiologists, Airborne Rangers, Bounty Hunters, Boxing Trainers and Coast Guard Rescue Divers. His best selling ebooks, are available HERE.
